From One Adventure to the Other

Well. I got back from London 2 weeks and 2 days ago. And tomorrow morning I head off to West Yellowstone for the summer. How crazy is that? Almost too crazy. Because I have barely gotten a chance to settle back into things here.

Not that I want to settle. I was talking to mom when I first got back, and she said "I think you're over Snohomish". It's a really wierd thing for me to think about. I mean, Snohomish has been my home for the past...what....fifteen years? And then, when I went off to college, PLU became my home too. Not so much because of Parkland, but definately because of the people. And now, I'm off to West to find a new home. My first place truly to live on my own. I don't have the UC to rely on for food, I won't have my parents an hour and a half away from me. I won't have a car.

So this year, I will have lived in three-no four- different places... all without having a break and being at home: PLU in January: London Thru May: Home for 2 weeks.... but I don't really feel like I've been at home, because Ive been going back and forth to PLU, and unpacking and anticipating moving and.... whatveer: then West Yellowstone until September: Then our house until December.

I need down time, which I haven't really ahd yet. I feel like tonight I might cry myself to sleep. I have a problem crying in front of people. I don't like doing it, at least not at home. I hate appearing weak in front of my parents. So I hold it all in, and appear apathetic and distant instead. It's rather sucky, actually. I've also really only cried once about London. My first night home I cried myself to sleep. I'm happy to be with my family, but I was jet lagged and almost started arguing with dad and it was....well I cried. and since then it's been go-go-go non stop. I havent gotten a chance to breathe and realize: I'm not in London. and yes, I actually was there. I loved in London for 3 and a half months. How lucky am I? Incredibly lucky. And Now I have this amazing opportunity waiting for me in Montana. I get to be apart of the inaugural season for the Pinecone Playhouse AND it's my first paid gig. which is really cool. And the pieces for it all kind of fell into place. I would have been an idiot to turn it down. It was also a test for me to see, am I actually committed to theatre? By going, I feel like I'm proving to myself that I am.

At the same time. I don't know whether I'm going to be able to go to Katie's graduation. Which rips my heart out. That sounds silly and overdramatic. But I feel absolutely crap about it. I really want to be here for it. And father's day and Laura's birthday. And I won't be. What does that mean? It scares me, because it makes me think what mom said is true. I'm over Snohomish. Not over it, per say, but I really feel like It's not a prioirty for me to come home and be in snohomish over the summer. I'm not the same person that i was when I left for college three years ago. It's hard for me to fit this new me into the mold and routines of who I was then. So no, It's not a priority to be in Snohomish anymore. Which is scary to me. Does that make me an adult? does that make me a grown up? WHat will that mean for next year? will I come home? Am I done at home? Am I done being with my family...as a core member of the family? That almost makes my stomach sick to think about. I could care less about snohomish. And, although I hardly ever take the time to tell them, being away from my family for another three months is going to be really hard. I love laughing with ym family around the dinner table, and spending time together at home. quoting movies. dumb stuff that I all too often take for granted.

Since Katie is spending the night in my room, I won't cry tonight. Not tomorrow either, because my mom and Laura will be there with me. Maybe the night after. I don;t know. Probably when Mom leaves. I am really excited to see what the summer will bring, but really scared to leave home, truly leave home and be on my own for the first time in my life.

Wish me luck!